Leaning In

This week I found joy in the simple act of living. I read, I cooked, I slept, I walked, I moved my body. I know that it might now seem like much of an exciting week, and honestly it wasn't. It was calm and full of peace. I was able to move slowly and deliberately. I knew what I wanted and I took it.

This week I finished reading Poor Deer by Claire Oshetsky. This book was easy to digest, and maybe that was because I couldn't stop myself from devouring it so quickly. I found my self trying to understand how the main character Margaret processed her trauma and how those around her acted in turn to how it affected her as a person. I will not give any spoilers but this is a must read, especially if you find yourself craving a sad girl novel the likes of what might have flowed from the pen of Sylvia Plath.

I hated the idea of cooking, loved it and felt nothing toward it. I grew to understand so much in the hatred, and in the lack of feeling. I know that I enjoy the feeling of cooking a delicious meal for family, as there is nothing that brings humans together quiet like sitting over a deliciously warm meal. However, there are times when the caring for those around you, costs you everything that you need to care for yourself.

There are periods of time, where especially as a woman, that I can go for weeks while taking care of others, making sure that they have the sustenance that they need. But once mine runs thin and I have no one that is taking care of me, I can crack and have emotions flood back upon me that deplete me while retraumatizing me, and sometimes creating a new trauma. So, when I feel this way I lean into those that love me, and I let them take care of me for the night, the day, week. I will not let myself succumb to a long periods of depression anymore because I do not want to let anyone know that I am in need of help.

I will continue to be joyful when I find myself feeling a range of emotions, especially when it comes to tasks and chores that I do in order to care for others. I am not meant to take care of a village by myself, I need help, and so does everyone and it is so important to know that.

Cultive & Crave

I look around and I see so many people living what I think are their dreams. I don't know these people. I don't know what they dream about at night or what they long to do in the dull hours of the afternoon.

I know that I don't want to wait anymore to live my dream. My dream is to live a life full of joy, to experience that which brings love and laughter into my life. I have waited and hoped for so long that it would come to me, but I have realized that I have to cultivate. Despite knowing that I needed to build the life I dreamed of, I didn't crave it, I didn't have the taste of it on my tongue. It was a fever dream, something that I was never sure that I would truly be able to hold in my hand.

Today, I am tending to the garden of my life, eagerly anticipating the rewards that I am sure to reap now that I have dedicated myself to enriching my life with joy.

I am not sure what I will write about in the weeks to come. However, I do know that it will allow me to cultivate the life that I love and enjoy the moments that I have been craving longer than I care to admit. I will no longer deny myself what I want because I feel the shame of possible failure. I have heard so many times that you cannot succeed without failing over and over.

I am eager to share recipes that bring light and warmth into my home, poems that make my soul move, books that have pushed me expand my worldview, and musings about how we can best proceed in a world that is changing rapidly.